Ah!

Hello. 

I had a somewhat frantic Monday morning. 

I had a work meeting (took the call right from my couch instead of my desk, so that I can easily supervise the repairs going on in the next room) while I also had a technician inspect the washing machine in my bathroom. It was pretty loud, chaotic, and well... wet lol. 

My washer went on the fritz last Saturday, it stopped draining water. It decided to break down mid-cycle, so I had to drain water manually using a cup lol! And then I had to wring everything before loading them into the dryer.  

Still, I remained calm. And since my whole bathroom floor was already wet from the great front load flooding (lol), I simply used the special occasion to give the bathroom tiles a good scrubbing. So I got my laundry done and my bathroom's spanking clean. I win, ha! 

This morning, the technician came to fix the washer. Turns out the machine was clogged all thanks to a bunch of coins, hair clips, and hair ties. Okay, I'm the culprit behind the hair ties, guilty. I do sometimes forget them in my pockets, oopsie. But I am definitely not responsible for the coins and hair clips: 1) I never use hair clips and never will lol; 2) I don't really carry coins with me anymore. They must have been left behind by the previous tenant? Alas, there really is no sense in blaming others. It is my washer now, after all. 

The technician fixed the clog and got the washer working again. I carried on with my work call and I cleaned the bathroom mess afterwards. And I did a load of laundry over lunch. Everything was resolved and life moved on. 

I love this little washer anecdote. 

It seems like nothing and it is pretty much nothing but to be honest, if this tiny fiasco happened some years ago, I am quite sure that I would have reacted much differently. These past few years, it just feels like no matter what happens, I am confident in my ability to find my calm. 

Maybe it's because my hormonal imbalance is finally finding its long-lost rhythm (lol) within my system after years of PCOS treatment, going with somewhat healthier eating habits that I can live with, and finding joy in my chosen form of regular exercise; or it's just me getting older and growing tired of expending negative energy on trivial (and not so trivial) matters; or it could be a result of all that reading on absurdism, existentialist thought, zen buddhism, and stoic philosophy. I must have taken to heart whatever it is I found so amusing in texts written long before this modern life came to be. All these might be true, especially that part about growing old and weary haha.

Yesterday I met up with old friends. 

One of them majored in philosophy for both her undergrad and graduate studies. I have always been amused with how her mind works, especially with how she moved from philosophy to anthropology to an MBA to development work. I asked her which philosophical thought influenced her the most, she said it's Wittgenstein's work on language. My friend claims that she can no longer fully remember her philosophical training, but I can tell that she has integrated all of it into both her personal and professional lives. No matter the depth of crisis, this friend of mine remains calm, rational, and steady. 

I do love my friends. 

Today is just another Monday, and at the same time, today is unlike any other Monday. 

When I was younger, I mostly impatiently waited for the weekend. I let weekdays passively roll by while anticipating nothing else but the weekend. I loved Fridays and Saturdays and mostly dreaded Sunday evenings and Monday mornings. Now at this stage in my life (it's not necessarily about age), I can appreciate any random day, even a Tuesday lol.

Prior to learning philosophy, I have largely devoted my reading life to fiction. And I love that I was able to do that; and I thank myself, the people, and circumstances that allowed me to develop said reading life. 

These days, however, I feel like I have this need to reread the same old set of philosophers over and over before I can move on to the next. 

This year, I am ready to make that huge leap into my next set of philosophers, encouraging myself to attempt to study more challenging texts beyond my current reading comfort. But before I do so, I just want to soak up everything there is within my current reach. As Seneca suggested, "What is the point of having countless books and libraries whose titles the owner could scarcely read through in his whole lifetime? The mass of books burdens the student without instructing him, and it is far better to devote yourself to a few authors than to get lost among many."

Here's a look back at some of the most practical nuggets I have dug up from authors long dead (But of course, I have to say that I do not agree with everything these philosophies proclaim, and I do question their applicability to modern life and its many evolving layers and specific contexts. Nevertheless, there are nuggets here that I would like to attempt to live by):

(It would be quite impossible to list everything since there literally is a lot, so I am just selecting a few from certain chapters of certain books, with the dog-ears I have left behind as my spirit guide lol)

(EDIT: I was planning on also selecting passages from Camus, Nietzsche, Dogen, and Shunryu Suzuki but I am now tired and sleepy... so this journal entry shall solely focus on stoic philosophy. Sleep comes first, ha!)

Bed situation during tonight's
journaling (& rereading) session.

Aurelius

On time (categorizations mine)
* That the longest-lived and those who will die soonest lose the same thing. The present is all that they can give up, since that is all you have, and what you do not have, you cannot lose. (Book Two: On the River Gran, Among the Quadi) 

* Each of us lives only now, this brief instant. (Book Three: In Carnuntum) 

* That everything you see will soon alter and cease to exist. Think of how many changes you've already seen. (Book Four)

* Time is a river, a violent current of events, glimpsed once and already carried past us, and another follows and is gone. (Ibid.)

* Don't try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand [...] Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you—only the present. (Book Eight)

On other people
* Don't waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people—unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You'll be too preoccupied with what so-and-so is doing, and why, and what they're saying, and what they're thinking, and what they're up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind. (Book Three) 

On our words and actions
* How to act:
Never under compulsion, out of selfishness, without forethought, with misgivings.
Don't dress up your thoughts.
No surplus of words or unnecessary actions.
Cheerfulness. Without requiring other people's help. Or serenity supplied by others. (Book Three: In Carnuntum) 

* To do harm is to do yourself harm. To do an injustice is to do yourself an injustice—it degrades you. And you can also commit injustice by doing nothing. (Book Nine)

* To speak with the Senate or anyone with the right tone, without being overbearing. Choose the right words. (Book Eight)

On seeing things for what they are
* To always define whatever it is we perceive—to trace its outline—so we can see what it really is: its substance. Stripped bare. As a whole. Unmodified. And to call it by its name—the thing itself and its components, to which it will eventually return. (Book Three)

* Things have no hold on the soul. They stand there unmoving, outside it. Disturbance only comes only from within—from our own perceptions. (Book Four)

Seneca 

On solitude and dealing with people (categorizations mine)
* You should not copy the bad simply because they are many, nor should you hate the many because they are unlike you. (VII: On Crowds)

* However, two things must be mingled and varied, solitude and joining a crowd: the one will make us long for people and the other for ourselves, and each will be a remedy for the other; solitude will cure our distaste for a crowd, and a crowd will cure our boredom with solitude. (On the shortness of life)

* We must be especially careful in choosing people, and deciding whether they are worth devoting a part of our lives to them, whether the sacrifice of our time makes a difference to them. (Ibid.)

On fear and living
* And so I commanded myself to live. For sometimes it is an act of bravery even to live. (LXXVIII: On the Healing Power of the Mind)

* Two elements must be rooted out once for all, the fear of future suffering, and the recollection of past suffering, since the latter no longer concerns me and the former concerns me not yet. (Ibid.)

* But learning how to live takes a whole life, and, which may surprise you more, it takes a whole life to learn how to die. (On the shortness of life)

* We shall stir ourselves and not be gripped and paralysed by fear [...] Self-preservation does not entail suppressing oneself. (Ibid.)

* The next thing to ensure is that we do not waste our energies pointlessly. (Ibid.)

On flexibility
* We should also make ourselves flexible, so that we do not pin our hopes too much on our set plans, and can move over to those things to which chance has brought us, without dreading a change in either our purpose or our condition, provided that fickleness, that fault most inimical to tranquility, does not get hold of us. (On the shortness of life)

On leisure
* We must indulge the mind and from time to time allow it the leisure which is its food and strength. (On the shortness of life)

On time
* You are living as if destined to live for ever; your own frailty never occurs to you; you don't notice how much time has already passed, but squander it as though you had a full and overflowing supply—thought all the while that very day which you are devoting to somebody or something may be your last. (On the shortness of life)

* When will vacation come? Everyone hustles his life along, and is troubled by a longing for the future and weariness of the present. But the man who spends all his time on his own needs, who organizes every day as though it were his last, neither longs for nor fears the next day. For what new pleasures can any hour now bring him? He has tried everything, and enjoyed everything to repletion [...] Nothing can be taken from this life, and you can only add to it as if giving to a man who is already full and satisfied food which he does not want but can hold. So you must not think a man has lived long because he has white hair and wrinkles: he has not lived long, just existed long. (Ibid.)

* No one will bring back the years; no one will restore you to yourself. Life will follow the path it began to take, and will neither reverse nor check its course. It will cause no commotion to remind you of its swiftness, but glide on quietly. It will not lengthen itself for a king's command or a people's favour. As it started out on its first day, so it will run on, nowhere pausing or turning aside. What will be the outcome? You have been preoccupied while life hastens on. Meanwhile death will arrive, and you have no choice in making yourself available for that. (Ibid.)

* Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. (Ibid.)

* The whole future lies in uncertainty; live immediately. (Ibid.)

On possessions
* Why do you seek out so many things? (On the shortness of life)

* Nothing satisfies greed. (Ibid.)

* Excess in any sphere is reprehensible. (Ibid.)

Epictetus

On possessions (categorizations mine)
* Do not attach yourself to them and they will not be necessary; do not say to yourself that they are necessary, and they are not necessary. (Discourses)

* For freedom is acquired not by the full possession of things which are desired, but by removing the desire. 

* Keep by every means what is your own; do not desire what belongs to others. 

* Why are you insatiable? Why are you not content? 

On will and whatever it is beyond our control
* Why do you give yourself trouble? [...] It is we who squeeze ourselves, who put ourselves in straits; that is, our opinions squeeze us and put us in straits. 

* Caution ought only to be used where things are dependent on the will. But if things independent of the will and not in our power are nothing to us, with respect to these we must employ confidence; and thus we shall both be cautious and confident, and indeed confident because of our caution.

* Confidence (courage) then ought to be employed against death, and caution against the fear of death.

* We ought not to be moved by a desire of those things which are not in our power.

* Externals are not in my power; will is in my power.

* There is only one way to happiness, and let this rule be ready both in the morning and during the day and by night: the rule is not to look towards things which are out of the power of our will.

On fear and living
* Do you wish to live in fear?

* Act with firmness and freedom from perturbations.

On our actions
* Generally then if you would make anything a habit, do it; if you would not make it a habit, do not do it.

* Do you praise the just or unjust? The just. Whether do you praise the moderate or immoderate? The moderate. And the temperate or intemperate? The temperate.

On the reality of our nature
* For universally, be not deceived, every animal is attached to nothing so much as to its own interests.

* Nothing is done without cost.

Kaimito, my love.
Do not let its purple flesh fool you.
It was a good kaimito. Thank you, my love (lol). 

No shame, no guilt.
I had chocolate cake to top off my lechon meal hihi.
Yes, I ate that cake right off my lap lol.

It was a good experience revisiting and typing down all these excerpts (which meant I had to reread certain passages/pages), leaving me with too many questions right before bedtime. Definitely not recommended lol. 

I had the period munchies today: I ordered in some lechon (LMAO), one-fourth kilo which fed me both lunch and dinner haha. I supplemented the former with some adlai, salad, a few apple slices, and one big kaimito; and the latter with stir-fried bell peppers and potatoes alongside leftover chicken breast. 

No shame, no guilt. Lechon all the way, baby, tee-hee. 

Since my period was heavier than expected (and period cramps were making me unhappy), I decided to forego muay thai after work and just stayed at home, napped, and did a few dumbbell exercises. I stopped lifting when my body told me to stop. Then I took a shower and ate chocolate cake, haha. 

C'est la vie lol.

Tonight I also had a video call with old friends from grad school, one is based in Tokyo and the other in Ulaanbaatar. I miss them and I may not see them or talk to them every day as we used to do so, but whatever it is we have is very much still here.

Good night.

Yet another Sunday

Hello.

I picked up some kaimito (star apple), saba, and langka (jackfruit) from my go-to fruit stall this morning. 

I love kaimito so much, I'm just soooo happy that it's still in season!

Today I met up with old friends for lunch and some galavanting at an outdoor art exhibit. I have known these friends for around seven years now. We all met at work, but even after leaving that job, our group remained oh so tight. 

I remember hiking Mt. Pulag with them just four months before the pandemic lockdown. To reach jump-off, we rode a jeepney—top load! It was a rainy and muddy hike, I even sprained my ankle during descent. During our bus ride back to Manila, I could no longer wear my left shoe (or was it the right one?) because my foot was so swollen lol. 

Who could have ever thought that the world would drastically change soon after? Life is strange like that. 

A month later, we all went to the beach on a whim haha. And exactly one month before lockdown, I brought them to my hometown for yet another beach trip. Good times. 

It's such a privilege to witness your friends grow and change throughout the years. 

After around 6,000 steps (lol), we went to my place for some tea, coffee, dessert, and good ol' catching up. I told them to pick out some records to play. Today's vinyl playlist included: The Carpenters, Louise Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Hibari Misora, and Pilita Corales.

After sundown, we said our goodbyes and I was off to meet another friend group at the park. They also went to see the outdoor art exhibit. 

I got this lovely mug from one of the stalls. It's made by Tessy and Jon Pettyjohn, pioneers of contemporary Philippine ceramics. It's my second piece from them, following a teapot I got during last year's PH Design Week.

After dinner, the artist in our group asked each of us to draw something on a small piece of paper. I really liked P's ornate fish:

We capped off the night with 12,000+ steps. It was a pretty good Sunday spent with friends.

Revisiting this Mary Oliver poem (2010) before bed:

Good night.

I thought it was Friday.

Hello.

Today I woke up thinking that it's Friday. The idea lasted for a couple of minutes or so before realizing it's only Thursday lol.

After work, my friend E. and I went to a bouldering gym. Every month, we try a new fitness class together. For March, it's bouldering! 

I first tried bouldering around two years ago when I was in Jakarta for a work assignment. After work, my colleagues and I randomly decided to go bouldering lol. My Indonesian friends from my grad school years also joined us. That time, I couldn't even lift myself up beyond the first hold. I was that weak... It's just really surprising how much has changed in the past two years. And I'm soooo happy to see (& feel) my own progress, no matter how little or slow. 

After that one failed attempt, I never tried again. Not until tonight.

The gym staff first gave us a detailed safety orientation and demo. 

(Not me or E., just a random stranger lol)

Then E. and I went ahead with the beginner's circuit. In this particular gym, the difficulty levels for this category go from green to yellow to red. We tried all problems per grade, while also observing and learning from others. I got to send (ascend) them all except for one (I did try several times though haha). I had so much fun reading (I'm trying to use bouldering terms, ha!) problems and trying out different sequences. 

Ever so adventurous, E. went for higher difficulty levels too. And of course, she conquered most of them! I tried one particular problem which seemed fun from afar but was actually too taxing for me lol. I'm so excited to go back and try again. My other friend (who has been doing this for much longer) will be guiding/teaching us next week, yay.

Afterwards, we headed to a hot pot place for dinner to satisfy E's cravings lol.

It's still PMS week, so I've been treating myself to some pastries. No shame, no guilt, tee-hee. I'm actually not big on sweets (I prefer savory meals!) and I rarely eat baked goods. So I just know that I am definitely PMS-ing since I just devoured this sugary af dulce croissant donut pre-climb lol.

As a souvenir from her Vietnam trip, my friend D. got me a copy of Thich Nhat Hanh's The Miracle of Mindfulness (1975). I read it while waiting for my donut.

During grad school (unrelated to my major), I picked up a copy of Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind (1970). I first started reading books on zen buddhism during my senior year in college (unrelated to my major) and continued doing so until my early 20s. This was then somewhat interrupted in my mid-20s when I mostly exclusively read fiction, with the exception of non-fiction books on North Korea (yes, I had this phase) and the works of Richard Dawkins (The God Delusion, 2006), Christopher Hitchens (God is not Great, 2017), and Paul Kurtz (Living without Religion, 1989).

At 29, I revisited zen buddhism. The fall semester was nearing its end and we were all anticipating a heavy snowfall in the weeks to come. I borrowed a copy of Zen Mind, a Beginner's Mind from the university library. I went over and over this line: 

"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself." 

When you eat, you eat; when you listen, you listen. More on this another time, I do have a lot to reflect on but I am too tired tonight.

Last year during Cinemalaya season, I stumbled upon a small stall selling secondhand books. And there it was, an old copy of Zen Mind, a Beginner's Mind. I bought it and revisited everything.

Around this time (2024-2025), I had also just finished reading the complete works (translated texts) of Epictetus (Discourses), Marcus Aurelius (Meditations), and Seneca (Letters from a Stoic; On the Shortness of Life) on stoic philosophy as well as Nietzsche's The Gay Science (1882) and Albert Camus' books on absurdism. I struggled quite a bit with Camus' novels (The Stranger, 1942; The Fall, 1956), but I absolutely loved The Myth of Sisyphus (1942). I also started reading Dogen then.

It was around this time as well when a close friend of mine suddenly passed away. I read a book he left behind (he lent it to a shared friend of ours who then lent it to me): You Were Born for a Reason: The Real Purpose of Life (Takamori, Akehashi, Ito, 2007). Up to this day, I still cannot properly put into words how this loss has changed the way I see life... This month marks his second death anniversary. And I miss him. I lost my train of thought just now...

These past two years, I have been reading a lot on stoic philosophy and absurdism. I also revisited zen buddhism (as a philosophy; I have no religion). It all came together, helping me make sense of modern life (and its absurdity).

And I just miss my friend so much since he's the only person I can talk to about all these questions, answers, and non-answers about modern living.

Well, this is quite funny. I started journaling tonight just to write about my bouldering experience but now I just went all over the place... Time to sleep, but before I go, let me revisit this passage from Seneca:

(I use an erasable pen)

Live immediately.

Good night.

Hello.

I've had this cough for eight days now, but it's not as bad as last week (not as thunderous and frequent). However, I did feel like I was short of breath (and more easily exhausted) during this week's muay thai class. So that was a bit of a struggle... it just feels like there's some kind of trapped air somewhere between the base of my neck and my entire chest. I can't even do full deep breaths without coughing as I try to exhale.

Despite the chest discomfort, I did make it to my sculpt yogilates class this week. Last time, I was able to hold crow pose for about six full breaths with the support of a yoga brick (for the head). This time, I was able to hold the position without a yoga brick albeit for a shorter period. Slow and steady, I am really enjoying my progress. I love it when my teacher says that I am now able to actually activate my core hihi. Also, I can now do "hundreds" (mat pilates) without breaking down lol, yay!

I've been feeling pretty swamped with work as of late, so tonight I attended a hatha vinyasa class. I feel like I really needed today's class, absolutely loved everything my body felt and went through haha.

Last Sunday, I made a big batch of beef curry and it has been sustaining me these past few days lol. I ate up its final serving today for lunch, turning it into an udon bowl.

Thank you, beef curry, you fed me well lol.

For tonight's dinner, I made doenjang-jjigae (soybean paste stew), complete with bokchoy, tofu, shimeji mushrooms, scallions, and veggie dumplings. 

It's PMS week so my cravings have been quite eclectic, tee-hee. The other day, I had some baked scallops and oysters delivered. I was debating whether I should go out and have them at the restaurant or to just feast at home while in my PJs. I think I made the right decision there, ha! Also got some vegan gyoza (for takeout) after muay thai. They're made of shiitake mushrooms, cabbage, tofu, and cilantro. And as a pre-yoga snack, I was craving for some crepe!

I haven't practiced playing the harmonica in a while. Once my cough completely clears, I'm hoping to learn some new pieces. 

Before bed, I had a 1.5-hour catch-up video call with a friend. Mostly I just do video calls with friends based in other countries/timezones. It feels refreshing to do the same with friends who are actually just a short Grab ride away. I do miss those days when I would twirl the landline telephone cord with my fingers as I listened to a classmate go on and on on about a level they cleared on a PS1 game we're both crazy about (lol). 

Isn't it quite amusing how I am searching for guidance on how to navigate modern life from a philosopher who lived nearly 2,000 years ago. Life is funny like that.

Revisiting this passage on caution and confidence from the Discourses of Epictetus (The HarperCollins 2024 edition - The Teachings of a Stoic: Selected Discourses and the Encheiridion) [Now I am doing a second reading with the 2025 Penguin Classics edition -  Discourses and Selected Writings):

In simpler terms, do not put too much worry over things beyond your control ("externals"); be extra careful in deciding over things which are actually within your control (your response to externals).

Good night.

Sunday

I've been using an actual alarm clock these past few months instead of a phone alarm. 

I got the idea from a sleep therapist I met at a powerpoint party. It makes sense. For many years now, the first thing I do upon waking up is look at my phone. Right after turning off the phone alarm, I tend to immediately check my e-mail, personal messages, the news, then before I know it, I am dilly-dallying all over the internet. Nowadays after hitting my alarm clock, I try to make a conscious effort to not reach for my phone. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.

This morning, my alarm clock rang at 10am. I had a nice slow Sunday morning with Hibari Misora singing in my living room (secondhand vinyl records I got from a Japanese surplus shop yesterday).

I got this (non-fiction) book today from a small independent bookstore in my neighborhood: Working Women of Manila in the 19th Century (Camagay, UP Press, 1995/2004). I'm so excited to dive into this: "Seven occupations of women were studied, namely the cigarreras (tobacco factory workers), the matronas titulares (licensed midwives), the maestras (teachers), the criadas (female domestic workers), the tenderas and vendedoras (store owners and vendors), the costureras and bordadoras (seamstresses and embroiderers), and the mujeres publicas (prostitutes)." 

Fruit Vendor (Malang, 2001)

Untitled (Larry Alcala)

After lunch, I dropped by an exhibit. Every quarter, this gallery hosts a week-long preview of what's to be auctioned off. I've been going here for about two years now and my favorites include the works of Filipino artists Norma Belleza, Anita Magsaysay-Ho, Nena Saguil, Pacita Abad, Mauro Malang Santos, and Juvenal Sanso.

Family (Belleza, 2012)

Seeing Larry Alcala's comic strips made me miss my childhood. Growing up, I watched my parents read the newspaper every day. On weekend mornings, they would hand my brother and I a copy of the Pilipino Funny Komiks (Islas Filipinas Publications, 1978-2004). I remember liking these komiks as a kid, I wish I was able to keep a few. They're now a long-lost relic. I also remember my brother collecting "songbooks" (I don't remember the name, it was some kind of local magazine with cheap paper lol) to learn the lyrics and guitar chords of the latest hits from that era (1990s-early 2000s).

The exhibit also includes antique furniture. I loved these:

"Chinese Qing-style hardwood armchairs"

Forgot to take note of the description,
but I remember that it's made of Narra

In another life, I would have wanted to become a woodworker/furniture maker. Sigh.

Later that day, I watched Sisa (Lana, 2025) at the cinema. The other Hilda Koronel movies I've seen are Insiang (Brocka, 1976), Maynila sa Kuko ng Liwanag (Brocka, 1975), and Kung Mangarap Ka't Magising (De Leon, 1977). 

I had really high expectations here. The story started out very strong, however, it took a bit of an overly melodramatic (and loud) turn halfway through (especially towards the end). But of course, it's an important story to tell, one that will always matter—especially in a country that tends to forget (or deny) its own history. And of course, the story of Sisa reminds us who the real savages are. These savages are still wreaking havoc in lands beyond their own up to this very day. 

Long live women.

Dropped by the grocery store afterwards to pick up some supplies for the week. I decided to make a simple plate of beef curry and rice (well, I actually served adlai) for dinner, which shall be tomorrow's lunch as well lol. Since I don't like carrots in warm meals (I prefer eating carrots raw), I used bell pepper instead. For dessert, I had some grapes and cheese arare (a type of Japanese rice crackers) alongside spearmint tea.

Revisiting this Mary Oliver poem (2008) tonight. The world just keeps getting heavier each week. Human greed knows no bounds. 

Good night.

3/7/26

Hello. 

Thought I was done with this whole cough-and-colds episode, but it's still here. On the upside, I can tell that it's probably in its tail end... can't wait to get rid of this discomfort in my chest.

Yesterday after work, I met up with friends at our go-to jazz joint. I have been going here quite regularly for around two years now. I just found out about this place online while searching for new things to do in my old neighborhood after returning home from my two-year grad school stint. 

At first, I always flew solo since I didn't know any other friend who loves jazz and blues. Sometime last year, I introduced two friends to my once-a-week jazz show routine (sometimes it's blues/blues-rock/folk blues) and we've been going together ever since. 

Back in my early 20s (when I still lived in Quezon City), I used to catch gigs at Tago, Mow's, Route 196, and random spots in Maginhawa. Most of these gigs would start quite late and end at odd hours. These days, I just don't have the energy for that kind of thing (unless it's a band that I really love) and QC feels like such a faraway land now lol. 

Last night, Nicole Asensio performed one of my faves from Dusty Springfield, The Look of Love (1967). Happy to say that I can play this song on the harmonica (chromatic-8) haha!

This morning, my friend E. took me to a quaint neighborhood shop selling secondhand Japanese goods. It was basically a treasure trove for old Japanese vinyl records. I got myself some forty-fives, all in pristine condition, no scratches! Each record sells for Php20, I bought five. The wooden vintage tennis and badminton rackets also caught my eye, but of course I didn't buy them lol (I don't need the clutter).

Without googling anything, I picked up these 45s purely based on vibes lol. And my vibe check was on point, I absolutely love them! I especially adore these discoveries: Hibari Misora (b.1937) [I only realized I got two of her records after coming home] and Kenji Kitahara (b.1939).

Kitahara's "North Wind" is from 1964 and Hibari's "悲しい酒" (Kanashii Sake - Sad Rice Wine) is from 1966 and "Koi no Manjusage" (Love's Red Spider Lily) is from 1961 [I am writing it in romaji because I'm unfamiliar with its kanji. The other song's kanji is simple enough so it's still within my skillset haha]

Accidentally interrupted Hibari's singing with my cough lol:

I really lucked out with these 45s! While crate diving in the LPs section (which are inconveniently mixed with LaserDisc movies), I was quietly hoping to find Happy End's 1971 album "風街ろまん" (Kazemachi Roman - Wind City Romance) featuring "風をあつめて" (Kaze wo Atsumete - Gather the Wind), which I instantly loved after hearing it in Lost in Translation (Coppola, 2003) most likely back in college. Alas, no luck.

A year ago in a (very messy) Japanese surplus shop in La Union, I accidentally purchased a LaserDisc, mistaking it for a vinyl record. That was the first time I have ever seen/held a LaserDisc (I grew up with VHS, then VCD & DVD) and I was so confused as I was about to plonk it into my record player lol.

Before heading to lunch, E. and I popped into a Booksale. I wanted to get her a book since she gave me two rolls of film the other day (plus a disposable camera from 2003, which still actually works haha). I asked E. to choose between a secondhand copy of The Sense of an Ending (Barnes, 2011) and A Separate Peace (Knowles, 1956). I told her it's a choice between a book about 1) Adults in yearning, hazy memories, loss, deep regret, and all those feels yadda yadda; 2) Coming-of-age wartime story of two gay boys. She picked the first, ha! I read The Sense of an Ending when I was around 20 and A Separate Peace maybe in my late 20s.

While browsing books, I heard the guy next to me asking staff if they have anything by Seneca (sadly, they didn't). I really wanted to strike up a conversation with the dude (since I love Seneca) but I didn't. Maybe I should have...

Later that day, I met up with three other friends to watch Mabining Mandirigma, a steampunk musical about Apolinario Mabini. Last November, we also watched another Tanghalang Pilipino production, Gregoria Lakambini: A Pinay Pop Musical (in both musicals, lead characters like Mabini and Bonifacio were portrayed by actresses, love it). My favorite TP play so far is their stage adaptation of Kisapmata (Mike De Leon, 1981; as inspired by Nick Joaquin's 1961 article House on Zapote Street). It was just so eerie, capturing every ounce of tension from the movie.

Felt pretty tired after coming home from CCP, my colds and cough were acting up all afternoon (fortunately, it calmed down by sundown). To unwind, I took out my tiny chair.... haha. Yes, I have a tiny chair now. I bought it (for Php20 lol) this morning at that Japanese surplus store I visited with E. I hate clutter, yes, and I don't like unnecessary purchases BUT this tiny chair was just begging to be taken home. I mean look at it, look! *gently sobs*

I sanitized the tiny chair, carefully wiped its wooden legs, washed its cushion with soap, and dried everything with my hair blower lol. 

I decided to place it next to my tingsha (Tibetan cymbals) and right on top of my Monet book, which is splayed atop my vinyl record collection. 

E. pointed out that my tiny chair closely resembles my actual chair haha. I got the latter during the pandemic, it's an old wooden Japanese chair which was thoughtfully upcycled (the colorful cushion was a nice touch) by folks based in either Bulacan or Cavite (I don't quite remember). I got it from an online store (via Instagram) and they delivered it all the way to my hometown (I stayed with my folks for almost a year and a half during the start of the pandemic) via provincial bus! 

Since I've been feeling out of sorts lately, I restarted drinking (decaf) tea. I really love this Indian spearmint tea my colleague gave me. I got the cup during my grad school years and the pot just last year during Design Week in my city. It was made by the ceramicist Jon Pettyjohn.

Revisiting this Mary Oliver poem (2010) before bed:

Good night.

Hello again.

It feels so surreal to be writing here again.

While tinkering with this site, I ran across some of my blog entries from 2010-2011. I don't have enough energy to go through all of them right now. I was so young then, equal parts hopeful, anxious, and dramatic (lol) about the future.

I took a screenshot of these excerpts from two separate blog entries I wrote around 16 years ago:

Oh, I have some news for you, young Fritz lol. While I do cringe reading this now, I have to hand it to this young naive person, she was a dreamer and I needed that! In another blog entry from this period, I wrote about questioning my sexuality in the most cryptic way possible. I could not even type the word "lesbian" lol. Who is she, really? 

Sixteen years went by and I did go to grad school (but not for sociology) and guess what, I am still trying to develop that "good relationship with the world" lol (and perhaps I am done in wanting to "immerse myself with the world's concerns"). However, the fantasy of living in some strange mountain or some small village near the sea still lives, ha!

Literally too sick to confront all these right now. But wow, I really held onto a lot of [idealistic] dreams back then. With 16 years between us, this doe-eyed (with a literal 20/20 vision) college student and this 30-something (with poor eyesight and dubious overall vision), there is definitely a lot to unpack here. But I shall leave this confrontation for another day when I am feeling better.

I got back from my 4-day Baler trip last Sunday. 

Finally got to pop up on the surfboard! It would be impossible to recreate that thrill, that adrenaline rush, that split-second tension between comfortably resting on your surfboard and waiting for your instructor to say "Get ready" and putting that one leg into position and preparing for what feels like chaturanga right before hearing "Go!" and then pushing yourself up against the board, up against the wave, and then balancing yourself, and bending your knees a little but not too much, figuring out what to do with your arms, and letting the moment stretch into what feels like an eternity before falling back into the water on your next blink and doing it all over again for the next hour or so. I can taste the saltwater just thinking about it lol.

Also, I vomited during the bus ride—three times (our bus had a built-in lavatory). This was a first (as an adult). The nausea came at the final hour of the ride. My friends were already asleep (it was around 3 am) but I just really needed help getting to the lavatory (the whole ride was so bumpy and it felt like we were going too fast), so I bothered Cheng and woke him up (sorry and thank you, Cheng). For my next two vomit trips to the loo, I was able to go on my own (this whole bus vomiting ordeal was perhaps a prelude to finding my center in surfing lol). 

Monday, I just felt tired as to be expected. By Tuesday, I started feeling kind of weird but still managed to go to my yogilates class. Wednesday was a blur, it felt like I just spent the whole day coughing and sneezing, so I took a sick leave at work, cancelled my muay thai class, and napped for most of the day. Today I woke up with an unbearably sore throat and my chest felt odd. Told work that I am still sick and also informed my friend that I cannot go wall-climbing as planned (we had plans to check out a climbing gym).

As usual, I am not too worried about this. I try not to fuss over sick days but my bout with dengue late last year did teach me that sometimes I do need to fuss over certain things! Last year, I tested positive for dengue after coming home from a week-long overseas fieldwork. I felt extremely weak and I attributed everything to fatigue, but it turns out that my platelet count was already dropping. I was down for about two weeks in total.

Apart from surfing, my friends and I also did a very short (but rocky and slippery) climb to see a waterfall. We got into the plunge pool (waist-deep, a snug fit for three actually) and enjoyed the cold water falling over us. 

These friends, I have known them for about half my life now. It is a privilege, really, to be able to see yourself and your friends change year after year.

Two weeks ago, I went on a hike in Batangas with another friend. She found a "joiner" package on Klook, we shared a van with four other hikers (including a couple: a Chinese woman and a Malaysian man who met while studying english in Cebu! this meet-cute gives me hope lol). We plan on doing simple hikes maybe every other month. Our next one is set for April. There really is nothing better than being able to walk and walk and walk in silence with nothing else in mind but gratitude for and confidence in the ways the rocks and the ground beneath you are guiding you to wherever you are supposed to be.

This friend and I have also been trying out different fitness classes like spin, pickleball, yoga, and mat pilates. I actually met this friend just last year through Bumble BFF (lol) and I'm so glad we matched! I love my core friend groups but we also have widely varying interests (and making our schedules match has become somewhat cumbersome with age), so I decided to try Bumble BFF with the goal of finding another millennial woman in my city who wants to do fitness classes and outdoor activities together. Deliberately making friends (outside of work and your usual social circle) in your 30s is an entirely different experience. 

I am doing a second reading of Discourses of Epictetus, which I might follow-up with a second reading (select parts) of The Myth of Sisyphus (Camus, 1942). The other weekend (I forget when exactly, my memory has been on the fritz as of late), I watched Teatro Meron's staging of Waiting for Godot (Beckett, 1952) and it made me want to revisit Camus' absurdism. More on these later, I feel like I need to take a nap soon.

Now in my early 30s, I have never felt stronger/braver. But I am also very tired, not in a physical sense, it's more of a worldly weariness. I am just tired of modern life, the overconsumption, the materialism, the empty politics, and the direction the world is taking. So when I read what I wrote here some 16 odd years ago, I am not quite sure how to respond to that younger version of myself... Maybe I would tell her, "Things change, kid, we're taking a different route now lol." 

Need to add that "lol" to assure her that things turned out fine and as Camus said, "one must imagine Sisyphus happy" and that "the rock is still rolling."

I'll end it here because I need to save energy for the rest of the day. Breathing feels like a chore right now, tbh. I don't mean this in an existential sense, just quite literally lol.